Held For Too Long
Sometimes it’s all right to want to kill the messenger
your sister called me that Monday morning,
some twenty years ago
gossip on her tongue
It was her voice
a few years before
which first whispered word of Gabe’s illness in my ear
I was less prepared for that Monday’s call
“Gabe died today……..
Wasn’t he a friend of yours?”
She both announced and asked
All at once
I wanted to scream at her
But all that came out
was a breath of which I had
held for too long
Hearing
but unable to listen
I waited for a pause
saying goodbye
before she continued
Hours later you called
a declaration of contrition
seeking to right your sisters faux pas
and explain your own
you stated
It was your call
meant for three days earlier
that I should have received
Gabe had been asking to see me
But your preoccupations
a boy friend
a weekend visit out of town
left that message undelivered
With all of this acknowledged
you then asked
if I was all right
I never found the words
That could conceal my anger
so I never answered you
I knew that my thoughts
steeped in honesty
would be poison for both of us
As I dwell on lost goodbyes
I am reminded of the meeting
which would serve as our valediction
Gabe and I had a chance reunion
in the Buff State quad
It was just months before his passing
thin and gaunt
His face wore the ravages of death
His arms
burdened by books
for courses he would never complete
our conversation
Was filled with hollow promises of
Drinks to be poured
laughs to be shared
Both of us then knowing that
Hallwalls’ Artists and Models Ball would now
forever pass
without our attendance
So I sit here
some twenty years later
My anger
just a quiet din of regret
and I can finally tell you
I wasn’t all right
Marek P. Parker is a Buffalo, New York based poet, writer, and special education teacher. His poetry and other writings have been published in the anthology, Nickel City Nights, The Buffalo News, OUTcome, and Bflo Journal, on which he also served as assignments editor.